With everything we need to know about a person with narcissistic personality disorder, there is one thing that I think we need to get through our heads more than anything else. It’s also the one thing that is the hardest to wrap our heads around. The most important thing to understand about narcissistic personality disorder is this…they don’t love you.
A narcissist is completely incapable of loving another person. They’ll tell you they love you. They might even act like it sometimes. However, these words and these actions are just a means to an end. They know they need to do this in order to get what they want whether that be sex, money, a roof over their heads or just to keep you on your toes.
Someone who loves you doesn’t cheat on you. Someone who loves you doesn’t abandon you. Someone who loves you doesn’t tell you that you’re too old, fat, stupid (insert insult here). Someone who loves you doesn’t criticise everything you do. Someone who loves you wouldn’t always put their own needs first. Someone who loves you wouldn’t fly into a rage over the slightest thing. Someone who loves you wouldn’t turn his back on you every night. Someone who loves you would actually enjoy spending time with you and do it more often. Someone who loves you wouldn’t ignore you while you cry or if you ‘did something wrong’. And someone who loves you sure as hell wouldn’t lie to your face a hundred times a day.
Think about it. Who has control of the remote every single time? Who decides what you’re going to eat for dinner? Who decides what you’re doing on the weekend? Do you feel as though your partner is living their own life while you’re just an add-on? Do you feel like you’re just an object on a shelf ready to be pulled down when needed and stored back away when you are no longer useful? Do you feel you’re not being heard? Do you ever feel as though your feelings were taken into consideration?
None of these things scream love. You know what love feels like because you love them. Would you treat your partner this way?
My narc would lie in bed at night and watch TV. He actually considered this spending time together because we were in the same room even though we didn’t speak, we were always watching what he wanted to watch and he was often on his iPad at the same time. When he was tired and done watching TV, he’d turn off the TV, turn off the lamp, roll over and go to sleep. I would be sitting there staring into the darkness. He didn’t care that maybe I would want to watch something. He never said goodnight. He’d decided on my bedtime and that was that. He just wasn’t capable of thinking that I might have needs too.
Not only do narcs not love you, they despise you. After the idealisation phase has ended, the narc has come to the conclusion that you are not the person you portrayed yourself to be. You’re not so perfect after all and they hate you for ‘fooling’ them. They’ll stay with you as long as you’re supplying what they need. This might include sex, housing, money, attention but they truly believe that you’re the reason why their life is crap. You hold them back. You nag too much. You expect things from them. You stop them from screwing around. You make them miserable.
When they are done with you, they will walk out of your life and will have forgotten your name by the time they reach the corner. There is no bond or connection with a narc. Normal people are affected by a break up. They cry, have trouble eating or sleeping, feel depressed. Not so the narc. They were never attached to you anyway and they’ve already met someone else. You are nothing to them.
Why is this so hard to wrap our head around? Because we just don’t get it. How can someone stay with someone so long if they hate them? Surely if you didn’t like someone you would pack up and move on. That’s what most people would do. How can someone be so loving then forget all about you the minute they step out of the door?
Many times I sat there completely dumbfounded as he berated me over and over. Two minutes ago he was telling me he loved me. Now he’s telling me what a stupid loser I am. Which one is the real him? The loving one or the despicable one? If he really thinks I’m a stupid loser, why is he here? He must be having a bad day and he’s taking it out on me. That’s it. He really does love me, he’s just having a bad day.
Too bad they’re all bad days. He doesn’t love you. You don’t understand it and that’s ok. You just have to remember to look at the actions and the horrible words, not the loving words. Write them down if you have to. Write down every mean thing he says and every inconsiderate and controlling thing he does. Read it back at the end of the day and ask yourself if that person loves you. The answer will be no and there’s nothing you can do to change it. A person with narcissistic personality disorder is completely incapable of loving anyone.